unapologetic

from some of my previous entries, it may appear to the casual observer that i'm somehow down on myself - that perhaps i'm not happy with who i am, hence all this talk about change, recovery, amends and the like. one of my friends commented after a recent post something to the effect of, "...except i'm too ashamed to publicly admit my mistakes." i'm not so much ashamed to admit my mistakes as i am to keep making the same ones over & over.

my wife Laura has been reading these entries as well, and she commented that she thought i was being too hard on myself about my tendency to collect & horde "stuff." this is why i love her so much - she always lets me off the hook. i don't view it as being hard on myself, just an honest assessment - hopefully without emotion or justification.

this blog has been cathartic for me, and i treat it as a journal. i'm not so arrogant (i hope) that i believe it's going to gain a following outside my immediate community of friends and family. when i started it, i perhaps had the spark of a hope that my light would somehow shine just a bit brighter, but then i started clicking on the "next blog" link at the top of the page (see it? yeah - right up there top center). i also had to try three times to get a name that wasn't in use. i had a moment of clarity that the so-called "blogosphere" is immense, and my feeble attempt is not only really late to the party, but also merely average in its presentation and scope. i am an averagely-bright star in an incredibly expansive night sky. i'm ok with that.

i had a pretty intense spiritual moment last night after getting off the phone with a good friend. she and i don't talk so much, but we have a colorful history. our deep connection goes back to those hazy, hormonal teenage years of angst and painful growth. i was struck with this feeling of connectedness and comfortable belonging. moments like this are precious to me - when my being fills with gratitude for the person i've become, for the friends in my life, and for people who love me as much as i love them. maybe more.

this moment had been building, because i've been spending some time here, digging. picking at the scab. call it a biopsy of my neuroses. i'm ok with the fact that i have neuroses. mine're better than most, says i. i'm happy to be aware of most of them - the alternative is to be stuck in denial and blindness.

i am unapologetic today. i will stand in front of anybody and tell them honestly what i'm thinking, what i'm doing - what i'm afraid of. i can have a serious conversation with them, or i can act like a goofball. i am incredibly capable of doing many different things, but i am not afraid to ask for or accept help with the things i can't. i don't suffer very much shame or remorse for things i've done, real or imagined. if i make a mistake, i'm not afraid to apologize. if the mistake is not mine, i try my best to forgive and let it go - harboring no resentment. this does not mean that i couldn't stand a little improvement. my favorite definition of humility comes from some A.A. literature - "a clear recognition of who and what we are, followed by a sincere desire to become what we could be." i have begun to experience that desire, have made some progress in that direction.

 i am unashamed to believe in my God, and to talk about my faith. but i am careful to make sure the forum is appropriate. my faith is mine, and i neither expect nor desire anybody else to adopt that particular doctrine. as far as i'm concerned, you are all a part of my God whether you know it, or believe it, or not. so welcome aboard!

so as i lay in bed last night, realizing one of those moments of intense connectedness and gratitude, i knew that i needed to share it - that i wanted anybody who is taking the time to read my ramblings to know that i am grateful. and unapologetic.

talking smack

my buddy Brian texted me this morning, asking if i'd ever been to Jennings GP. Jennings is a motorcycle-only road course in the middle of north-Florida nowhere. we're planning a 3-day trip down there together in mid-February. i have, in fact, been there before:

that's me, breakdancing in T1. as the poster implies, i had been taken out by some kid on a POS bike in the very first session of the day. that's his crappy bike under my flying Triumph.

nonetheless, i have been back down to Jennings since then. it's a fun, technical track with a good surface and decent weather in months when it's really too cold around here. Brian has never been, yet he has throw down something of a gauntlet, claiming he is going to beat my best laptime at Jennings, by 2 seconds, by the end of the weekend. if it were somebody i didn't know, i would probably grin and say something to the effect of, "hey - maybe so." then i would wait until the weekend in question & go throw down some halfway decent laps, letting my riding speak for itself. not to be too arrogant, but i would probably end up passing the person making the claim.

there're a number of factors at play here: 1. first and foremost, i am immensely competitive. 2. i have been on this track before (and i was not the fastest). 3. Jennings is a tricky place - half the track is balls, half is brains. 4. every time i get out on the track, i learn something, and i try to progress. 5. i have been riding for over twenty years. 6. i have raced various vehicles since before i had my driver's license, and finding the racing line is apparently in my genetic makeup.7. last but not least, Brian has never, ever, gone faster than me on the track. not by a long shot. last time out, i got on his bike with his setup and in a single 20-minute session beat his best lap time by nearly 20 seconds. one 2.54-mile lap, twenty seconds faster. obviously, Brian is talking shit. and i love it, because it instantly opens the door for me to talk shit right back.


so when i got his text this morning asking if i'd been to Jennings before, i was like, "oh hell no. he's not gonna backpedal out of this one already." and so the following mad SMS conversation ensued - 


me: Yes. But don't be gettin ur excuses lined up this early!
Brian: How many times? What gearing?
me: 3 or 4 times. It's where i met Doc the 1st time. I would use -1, +2. 
B: If u have been there that many times, i should get at least a 2 sec handicap.
me: You don't really want to start out admitting defeat with a "handicap," do you? Natural talent should be able to overcome, right?
B: I will overcome!
me: There you go. I will come to Beaverun and beat your best laptime by 2 seconds. Maybe 5. The gauntlet is now thrown.
B: the beave is my best track u will need 2 pack a lunch...and then some.
me: I will find some vid.
me: oh and...FIRST SESSION.
B: not possible
B: T8 is a wide open kink into bstretch. drift right 2 edge or u aint doin it right. if u do it right the proper line in the backstretch is very bumpy. make sure your [steering] damper is up to snuff.
me: i will take it [*the steering damper] off. 2 secs. 1st session.
B: not at the beave. not happening. i am sure of it.
me: we will see in August. maybe sooner.
B: i can go n e time to the beave.
me: i will do a 1:10 at beaverun before lunch (this last was later in the day, after i found this video on YouTube of an "A" group rider doing laps at around 1:10)





...i have yet to get a response from this last. i don't know what Brian's best laps at Beaverun are, but i have the feeling they are around 1:20.


Brian is a good friend, but he never seems to have good weekends when we're at the track together. i think at some level i intimidate him. i'm not going to be the guy who outright says, "dude - you're delusional. i put 20 seconds on your best lap at Road Atlanta on your own bike. you don't really have the skill or mindset to put two seconds on me at a track i'm good on." i want him to relax & start to put things together. the mistakes he's making are largely from always being too tense, and i've told him as much in serious conversation. but when the talking of smack begins, i have to skillfully circumlocute these cold hard realities. my problem with talking smack is that sometimes i don't know when to stop. i feel like as long as i can back up the claims i'm spitting (or take a little verbal beatdown cheerfully), it should go until the logical conclusion of somebody shutting the hell up. i think i may have hurt people's feelings in the past, however, by occasionally going for the jugular.


because nothing hurts so much as the truth when it comes to shit-talking.