unapologetic

from some of my previous entries, it may appear to the casual observer that i'm somehow down on myself - that perhaps i'm not happy with who i am, hence all this talk about change, recovery, amends and the like. one of my friends commented after a recent post something to the effect of, "...except i'm too ashamed to publicly admit my mistakes." i'm not so much ashamed to admit my mistakes as i am to keep making the same ones over & over.

my wife Laura has been reading these entries as well, and she commented that she thought i was being too hard on myself about my tendency to collect & horde "stuff." this is why i love her so much - she always lets me off the hook. i don't view it as being hard on myself, just an honest assessment - hopefully without emotion or justification.

this blog has been cathartic for me, and i treat it as a journal. i'm not so arrogant (i hope) that i believe it's going to gain a following outside my immediate community of friends and family. when i started it, i perhaps had the spark of a hope that my light would somehow shine just a bit brighter, but then i started clicking on the "next blog" link at the top of the page (see it? yeah - right up there top center). i also had to try three times to get a name that wasn't in use. i had a moment of clarity that the so-called "blogosphere" is immense, and my feeble attempt is not only really late to the party, but also merely average in its presentation and scope. i am an averagely-bright star in an incredibly expansive night sky. i'm ok with that.

i had a pretty intense spiritual moment last night after getting off the phone with a good friend. she and i don't talk so much, but we have a colorful history. our deep connection goes back to those hazy, hormonal teenage years of angst and painful growth. i was struck with this feeling of connectedness and comfortable belonging. moments like this are precious to me - when my being fills with gratitude for the person i've become, for the friends in my life, and for people who love me as much as i love them. maybe more.

this moment had been building, because i've been spending some time here, digging. picking at the scab. call it a biopsy of my neuroses. i'm ok with the fact that i have neuroses. mine're better than most, says i. i'm happy to be aware of most of them - the alternative is to be stuck in denial and blindness.

i am unapologetic today. i will stand in front of anybody and tell them honestly what i'm thinking, what i'm doing - what i'm afraid of. i can have a serious conversation with them, or i can act like a goofball. i am incredibly capable of doing many different things, but i am not afraid to ask for or accept help with the things i can't. i don't suffer very much shame or remorse for things i've done, real or imagined. if i make a mistake, i'm not afraid to apologize. if the mistake is not mine, i try my best to forgive and let it go - harboring no resentment. this does not mean that i couldn't stand a little improvement. my favorite definition of humility comes from some A.A. literature - "a clear recognition of who and what we are, followed by a sincere desire to become what we could be." i have begun to experience that desire, have made some progress in that direction.

 i am unashamed to believe in my God, and to talk about my faith. but i am careful to make sure the forum is appropriate. my faith is mine, and i neither expect nor desire anybody else to adopt that particular doctrine. as far as i'm concerned, you are all a part of my God whether you know it, or believe it, or not. so welcome aboard!

so as i lay in bed last night, realizing one of those moments of intense connectedness and gratitude, i knew that i needed to share it - that i wanted anybody who is taking the time to read my ramblings to know that i am grateful. and unapologetic.