i hate stuff that doesn't work

what's the point of a machine, anyway, if not to automate some process to make our lives easier? if it takes just as much effort to get the damn machine to work properly as it does to do the job manually, then i think the machine should be relegated to the scrap heap.

we have a very large, aging bag machine at work, which i like to call "the 42-inch machine of hate." this particular machine has a legacy. it has been installed in at least three locations other than where it currently sits, it has been modified to perform several very different variations on a theme, and it has been programmed (at) by at least three GML code-writers; none of whom, apparently, had any contact with the others.

this machine will sit idle for weeks at a time, until my boss decides we need to accomplish some pressing run of samples which he's forgotten about and needs to be done immediately. machines hate sitting idle. things that need to slide get sticky, bearings that needs to spin freely get notchy, things that need to be smooth and shiny develop a coat of oxidation. we often forget that we needed to fix that one thing after the last time we ran this godforsaken hunk of scrap.

every time - seriously, every time, i flip the switch on the 480 volt transformer, crank up the big air compressor and dryer, and fire off the chiller unit to run this hateful beast, it develops another "new" problem. today the slitter stopped working properly. last time, the #3 servo control had randomly dumped its program. the time before that, the seal head had rotated 5 degrees & had to be completely realigned. previous to that, the cutoff knife had stopped cycling consistently. it had gotten to the point where i would come near having an anxiety attack at the mere thought of turning it on. i've gotten beyond that now. i've just accepted that nothing is going to happen good on the first attempt. and that pisses me off.

it's the ultimate powerlessness when something that has operated correctly many times in a row suddenly refuses to do so. it is humbling, and as a good addict, i do not enjoy having my ego deflated - especially by an inanimate object. luckily, i am a fixer. troubleshooting is a game i enjoy playing. if i spend a little time observing the faulty process, i can usually determine the miscue and repair it. cars are easy - air, fuel, spark. complicated 50'-long bag machines precisely sealing four layers of medical-grade plastic film together, not so much.

the thing about fixing machines in general is that every process can be broken down into smaller sub-processes and sub-routines in smaller and smaller divisions of time until each minuscule section of the process has been isolated to one motion in one direction in one unit of time - the mechanical equivalent of the atom. this is the key to troubleshoooting. find the motion that doesn't happen when it should, or that happens when it shouldn't, and you've found the problem, and you have an idea how to rectify it.

it would be so much more of an awesome contemplation if we weren't running late, having skipped breakfast, on the coldest morning of the year, when the starter goes, "click-k-k..."

but, dammit, i will fix it. because i will not have my ass kicked by an inanimate object!