burying a trailer

i heard a story this morning about a guy who, in active alcoholism, was left by his wife. she had kicked him out & filed for divorce. apparently, this man was in construction and had access to some heavy equipment. he decided in the midst of his life problems that if she was gonna leave him, she was by God not gonna get the house. so one day, while she was at work, he took a trackhoe, dug a great big hole, and buried the entire mobile home. there's some doubt as to whether this is a true story, but being a good alcoholic, i can understand that this was a rational response to what was going on.

i completely relate to the level of bitter, devious, selfishness exhibited in this story. in my drinking years, i participated in more than my fair share of bridge-burning and buddy-fucking. ya gotta take care of #1, right? luckily, i've been able to make most of the amends that i needed to, and most relationships that are important to me have been substantially healed. there's still one girl, named Doreen (something), to whom i really owe a sincere amend. the amends process is often misunderstood by the world outside of the recovering community. the media has generally portrayed it as some hapless ex-drunk running around hat in hand, apologizing for the stupid shit he did in his neighborhood while he was drinking, "i'm here to say i'm sorry i ran over your mailbox," or "i'm sorry i tried to make out with your wife at the Christmas party." it's usually depicted to be sad & tragic & ultimately pointless, because the character in question suffers a relapse, ending the sitcom episode hammered, doing something else (or the same thing) stupid.

my understanding of it is based on the definition of amend as;
"To change or modify in any way for the better; as,
(a) by simply removing what is erroneous, corrupt, superfluous, faulty, and the like;
(b) by supplying deficiencies;
(c) by substituting something else in the place of what is removed; to rectify. [1913 Webster]

this is important - it makes no sense to even bother making the apology if my behavior is not going to change. possibly the most important part of recovery for me is the challenge of not engaging in the selfish and self-destructive patterns of my past. i have to stop cheating on my girlfriends and/or wife. i have to become conscientious, aware & concerned with things other than myself. i'm still pretty fucking selfish most of the time - it's a constant challenge. i have to consistently make the attempt to substitute the selfless for the self-centeredness i've worked so hard to remove.

so, back to Doreen. an acquaintance of mine was infatuated with this girl. i was stationed near Albany, NY, going to nuclear prototype training in the upstate woods of New York. it seemed most of the girls in this little town looked to the Navy boys for an escape, a way out of small-town doldrums. as we partied in between shiftwork, we attracted the local ladies, who brought their friends as well. i cannot remember the dude's name, but he kept talking about this girl. finally, we both showed up at the same party & Doreen was there, and she was very pretty. and i saw that he was too shy to make the move on her. so i did - mostly out of some vague jealousy of this guy. at some level, i perceived him to be cooler or more fortunate than i, so spitefully, i took "his" girl. i had responded to my own low self-esteem with the ego-inflation of selfish pillaging. seems i may owe that dude an amend, as well. Jim something, maybe?

i didn't realize or care to admit it was a mistake until Doreen and i got to my next duty station. i pretty much abandoned her there, first emotionally, then physically. i think i sent her home on a bus. i was all about getting what i wanted at the time.

a few years ago, in my second year sober, i had to go back up to the same upstate NY town for training with Serotta custom bicycles. i could not, -still can't- remember Doreen's last name. i was going to try to call her and make that amend. i take my utter lack of recall as God's sign that perhaps Doreen didn't need to be reminded of me.

and she probably still doesn't. i need to leave that trailer buried. my amends will have to be changing my behavior for the better, leaving the pillaging & burning to those still in that part of their journey.