my poor kid

i am a moody bitch. there - i admit it. most people who know me well already knew that, but i feel it's important to say it out loud, to be accountable. i know people who are generally upbeat, who always seem to be having a good day. this is what i aspire to. i also know people who are generally down on things - you know, "Debbie Downer" types who find it hard to see positive things happening in their lives. i just wish i could be so consistent.

i've started 2010 with a commitment to try and stay more grateful, more positive on a daily basis. a week in, it seems to be working out OK, but only OK. see? there i go. nothing has changed in my life significantly for the better or worse in the last week. in making this commitment to myself & voicing it out loud to people around me, i have subjected myself to some amount of internal pressure. i already tend to judge myself too harshly. unfortunately my reaction to not meeting my own standards is acting out in unjustified anger. also unfortunately, it is the people closest to me - my wife, son, and friends, who are going to see the brunt of my unreasonable outbursts.

Laura has been with me long enough that she reacts in one of a few ways, but consistently anyway. she'll generally just ignore my stupid ass until i cool down & apologize. alternatively, she'll snap back at me, asking me in various terms, "what the fuck is your problem?" as soon as i hear that, i know the answer. me - i'm the problem. i expect myself or the people around me to act in ways different than we actually do. i suffer from a lack of acceptance. always.

Lucas has been seeing a little bit of loud, scary daddy lately. he is about to turn five. he is a bundle of unhinged energy, and has been since before he came out of the womb. he is relentlessly happy, unless he is not. when i'd like him to be serious for a few moments, he giggles. when i'd like him to be still & quiet, he wiggles & chatters. when i'd like him to be happy with the things he's got, he whines about the things he wants. having just written that, i suppose it is all normal almost-five-year-old behavior. even if it isn't "normal," it is, in fact, his behavior. i, on the other hand, expect that he should act appropriately to the situation. you know - "like me."

my wife has been sick this week; horribly so - suffering both sinus & ear infections. she's in so much pain at times she just lies on the couch stifling sobs. and i am powerless to do anything about it. she has seen the doctor. she has medicine to take. i cannot take her pain away, and my powerlessness is what makes me angry most often. on top of this powerlessness, it means i have to be a loving partner & take care of all the things that need done around the house. i've had to start the day taking care of the animals, rekindling the fire in the woodstove, getting Lucas ready for school, making him breakfast, while getting myself ready to leave the house with my head attached. i have to take him to school, which generally causes me to miss my (self-imposed) clock-in time at work. i have to leave work before my (again, self-imposed) quitting time to pick Lucas up from school, go to the store, make dinner, help the boy with homework, and clean up after dinner.

it's really not that much work, and it all comes together pretty easily. but since i am lazy and selfish, i have internally made it out to be a Herculean task, and eternal. i cannot do what i want to do at this moment, and at some level i have begun to believe that it has always been, and will always be this way - even though it has only been 36 hours or so. since my (unspoken) expectations aren't being met, i have this anger building inside with nowhere to point it. i can't really vent on my wife - she didn't choose to be this sick. for God's sake, she's crying already. the dogs are also blameless - we chose to take on the care of these animals, and they reciprocate with unconditional love. Lucas is unfortunately the most convenient scapegoat for my unreasonable discomfort - the most acute cause. so i am short with him. i give him less leeway to be a child. i give him less chances to "behave" before i begin to raise my voice, begin to show exasperation. finally i snap over something trivial - the reason i have been looking for. he has drawn a little stick-man on some other (ultimately replaceable) thing - he's very artistic. but it's not paper, and he's been told to only draw on paper.

his expression brings me back to where i need to be. he can't self-censor. he doesn't yet know how to hide his hurt. his little face just starts to crumble, tears at the corners of his eyes. confusion, mostly - i can see the questions form behind his little ice-blue eyes, "what just happened? what did i do? why is daddy so mad?"

and so i apologize. i get down to his level & embrace him. i tell him i was wrong, that i'm not acting appropriately. i tell him that i'm only mad because i want mommy to feel better but i can't do that, that i'm not magic & i can't make everybody happy.

you know what he says?
"it's OK daddy. i forgive you." great - now i'm crying, too.