road rage

when i first began my journey in Recovery, i was driven by fear. my drug and alcohol use, from the very beginning, was an attempt to cope with unreasonable fears - fears mostly concerning my inability to cope with reality, and my lack of self-esteem. when i drank & used drugs, it squelched the fear enough that i could step out of myself & my imagined inadequacies on so many levels, and interact with society. i could make friends, i could make out with a girl, i could even dance. and even if that last was inaccurate, i believed i could dance. this is what drugs did for me.

when i put down these things, my fears came back in a huge way. with my crutch, my courage-maker, gone, my host of anxieties returned. i have had to address my various fears and challenge their validity over the past eight years. every time i have gotten into a situation where my fear surfaces to stop my growth, i have tried to walk directly into it. i've  found that most of the time, the things i fear are illusions. it has gotten to the point that i have very few fears...and being ever the extremist, it is possible that i should have a few of them back.

this morning around 6:40 am, i was headed into town to chair a twelve-step meeting, as i do every Thursday morning. i was running on time, drinking herbal tea, and listening to NPR. in reading this, you might imagine that i was filled with serenity, at one with the world, in a place of patience, tolerance, and understanding. apparently not.

since they put in the new light at Walmart, there are two opportunities to drag-race for the interstate onramp. there's the right lane for people (sheeple) who are in no hurry to get where they're going, then three or four commuters line up left to gun it and try for an open spot before the split. my truck wasn't warm, so i was lined up right at the first light. a couple of cars - an old Honda Civic coupe & a new Element - gunned it on green & raced to the front of the line, merging right before the Walmart red light & stopping short, as there was really only room for one to slide in. as the people in front of me slammed brakes, i pulled left & timed the green, rolling past the two who had just gunned & parked. as the light turned green, the person (guy) driving the mildly-riced Civic again gunned it - he apparently took issue with me rolling by (outsmarting) him with momentum.

my truck has a 7.3 liter turbo diesel. since i'm a motorhead, it also has a few tweaks that would also be considered "ricer mods" on a little-bitty Japanese car. it has a tuner that adds 80 horsepower, coupled with a bigger-than-stock exhaust and a cold-air intake. in short, i punched it and literally smoked the dude as my big truck belched black smoke from unburnt fuel while the turbo spooled. i really get an unreasonable amount of pleasure from doing that...and i rolled on down the onramp & merged without another thought.

there are two big hills heading south into town. since I-40 is closed due to continuing rockslides, all the semis have to re-route down I-26 from Tennessee, so on these two hills, the left lane is the place to be. as i rolled up the first hill, i noticed headlights coming up behind me. i try to be a courteous driver, and if people want to go up the road faster than me, i got no problem with that. so when i crested the hill after passing the trucks in the right lane, i did the polite thing & merged right to let dude pass. dude rolled up next to my rear quarter panel and....sat there.

for more than a few seconds. about halfway down the hill, i see that i'm closing on traffic ahead pretty quick, and dude (that moron) is still on my left quarter. so before i run out of room, i punch it again & merge left. it did not escape my notice that it was the semi-riced Civic from the Walmart light. i figure maybe the car didn't have the power to complete the pass. i roll up the second hill in the left lane, and the Civic again closes on my rear bumper. at this point, i've started talking to the guy (jackass). it's worth noting that he cannot hear me. so as i crest the second hill, i again pull right after i've passed the semis, hoping this person (asshole) will just go on by. again, he pulls alongside, just ahead this time, and then....sat there. almost as if matching my speed. so at this point, i am becoming annoyed. i am cussing this person (stupid f@#king c@#ks#cker), out loud. since i'm penned in, i have to jab brakes & merge left - admittedly a bit closer than i normally would - behind this driver (g@ddamn tool). his response is to slow down just a bit more. i'm pretty convinced he's fucking with me at this point.

so, being a stupid man driven by his problematic ego, i close in on his rear bumper...really close. in a 7000 pound rolling pile of steel traveling (only) 60mph at this point. his response is to brake-check me, which i'm expecting, no sweat - i have driven race cars & bikes much faster, much closer to other racers. (and there comes my 800-pound gorilla of an ego). dude realizes that's not going to faze me, so he punches it & his car wheezes, squats just a little, and farts down the road in an attempt to gain some distance. i again spool the big turbo & follow. i'm in full rage-ohol mode now.

we both engage in a few more dangerous & stupid antics before he signals his intent to exit & swings from the left lane all the way across to an exit ramp, and i follow. this is where that fear should be kicking in & regulating my stupidity, but i am convinced i need to talk to this fool & explain the error of his ways to him. he sees i'm following, so he pulls off on the verge & stops, as do i.

we both come out of our cars yelling. he's a muscular dude with a receding hairline, probably outweighing me by 30 pounds. i have 4 inches on him, and probably the reach. he's got the wild-eyed redneck affectation, advancing on me with a puffed out chest, and since i fear no man, i stand my ground, look right back in his crazy eyes and we have words. we did not come to an understanding. the primal testosterone-and-male-ego conflict would not let either one of us admit guilt or remorse. after a couple minutes of intense exchange of our opinions of each other, we flipped each other off and went our separate ways.

i continued into town and chaired the twelve-step meeting. i took a few moments at the beginning of the meeting to recount my confrontation. in reflection, especially with people other than myself, i can understand that from beginning to end, i played a major part in the escalation. i essentially played the bully role to the hilt with my big goddamn truck, and once committed, it was even deeper fears that drove me to act beyond any reasonable response. the fear in action this morning was several layers down, and i can't really pinpoint its nature, except that i'd somehow be less of a man if i didn't respond to shots apparently fired across my bow. it sounds something like, "oh hell no - you are not gonna get away with that..."

strangely enough, i think that under completely different circumstances, this guy and i would probably get along really well, perhaps even become good friends.

the overwhelming response from my friends in the morning meeting was concern and gratitude that dude didn't come out of his car with a gun. i'm more grateful that i didn't have the gun.