the healthcare system is FINE.

i need to get a wisdom tooth pulled. the United States Navy did me the service of removing two of my four wisdom teeth way back when i was 18 or 19, as a matter of standard procedure for any sailor bound for the submarine service. i guess they didn't want to have to deal with emergency dental surgery while underway on nuclear power. of course, their extraction of two means that two remain. last February - almost exactly a year ago - i awoke the morning after the 2009 Atlanta Supercross with the right side of my mouth in excruciating pain. at first i thought it might be my inaugural cavity, accelerated by the amount of cotton candy i had consumed the night before, in an attempt to mitigate Lucas' intake of an astounding amount of sugar.

i went to visit my dentist soon after, where he examined me and took x-rays, et cetera, before declaring my discomfort was a result of me grinding my teeth in my sleep. i've spent the last twelve months occasionally wearing a night guard, brushing exclusively with Sensodyne, and avoiding chewing hard things. in that time, i can feel my upper right wisdom tooth beginning to break thru, and my teeth touching in different places than they ever have before. this week, i again called my dentist for another consultation, and within a few seconds on the phone he concurred that it must actually be a wisdom tooth. apparently he actually looked at the x-rays this time.

anyway, he had to refer me because he doesn't do dental surgery. it must not be profitable, or something. i called the dental surgeon he recommended, and they were more than happy to schedule the extraction of my wisdom tooth this week. during the hashing out of the details, i was trying to ask "how long will that take?" so i said to the nice lady, "so what does that look like as far as..." and she quickly answered, "yes - cost breakdown will be $70 for the consultation and $360-475 for the extraction," to which i replied, "oh - i'm not worried about that, i have Blue Cross....," and she then answered,

"we don't accept that plan, so you will have to pay for this in full on the day of the procedure."

i was silent for a few seconds, before quipping, "well, what the hell do i have insurance for, then?!?"
in what i could tell was a well-practiced script, she said, "alot of our patients ask the very same question, so i understand your concern." note that she didn't answer the question. she did say she would "file for me." i guess it's possible that i'll get a rebate, then?

something is definitely broken, if i'm paying almost $50 a month for dental insurance, which, from what i've been told, most dental providers have declined to honor. the reason i was given is because the insurance company's reimbursement of "reasonable and customary" fees are a fraction of what the doctors actually charge. and what, it seems, the general public is willing to pay out-of-pocket.

so, just what is fucked up? is it that insurance companies can dictate what medical procedures should cost? is it that doctors will charge the very limit of what the market will bear? or that they can, because like it or not, we need medical care? is it that insurance premiums are too high for the services (or lack thereof) provided? that's probably what pisses me off the most. i've been paying my insurance company $600 a year for the past 5 years (just for the dental coverage, mind) - a total of $3000 for those math-handicapped - and now i need $500 worth of credit from those assholes, that i apparently can't use.

even if the doctor did "accept the plan," i would still need to pay a deductible, and then 50% of the costs. so in essence, Blue Cross Blue Shield of NC has turned my $3000 of premiums into $6000 for them (or $1500 for me, depending on how you look at it - either way i'm getting bent over). i give you $50, but when it comes time to pay it back, you only have to give me $25, and only after i give you another $75. again, how is that not broken?

i have some amount of sympathy for the doctors. i know their malpractice premiums are ridiculous, because the law allows no limits on monetary damages. it is important to note here, however, that the companies getting money from us for health insurance are also getting money from the doctors just in case they screw up, in essence getting paid twice for every medical procedure ever performed in this country. of course, the one time a huge judgement is levied against the doctor or dentist or hospital and the insurance company has to shell out a hundred million dollars, they're going to be writing a check using money they made off their investment of my premiums. you just know they'll raise premiums again in response to the current legal climate, though, and make that back fairly quickly.

i also understand that at some level, a person can never be fully compensated for a loss of health or life from a doctor's negligence, however rarely that might happen. tort reform will aways be a sticky quagmire to wade through, as no lawmaker or judge wants to be the one to set a precedent regarding limited compensation for the one isolated incident where the doctor shows up drunk and removes the wrong half of the patient's brain. doctors are, after all, human just like me. they simply make (a minimum of) ten times what i do. i'm cognizant of the fact that eight (or more) years of medical school ain't cheap.

i can walk these circles in my head for days, and still not be real clear about anything except that at some level i always end up back at the unpleasant reality that i'm the end user, and i'm getting screwed. and i hate that feeling. moreso, i hate that i'm absolutely powerless over it. my options are seriously limited. i ruptured my spleen one time, and it nearly cost me $30,000. that was for 3 days in the hospital and an angioscopic procedure. luckily, i was uninsured and below the poverty level at the time, so the hospital took a charitable write-off. so yeah, it was free.

taking that into consideration, canceling all my health insurance and taking my chances in the E.R. when i seriously jack myself up is starting to look pretty good. even if the current "healthcare reform" bill somehow does get pushed through our horribly ineffective Legislative Branch and signed into law, the proposed legal penalty for not carrying health insurance ($750, i believe) is roughly 1/6th of what i'm paying in health insurance premiums right now.

and as i understand it, i would be able to purchase insurance any time i needed it, regardless of whether my spleen is already ruptured or not.

thanks a bunch, Blue Cross Blue Shield of NC - you will no longer be getting any money from me for that "dental plan."

devil's advocate

true neutral. some crazy internet personality alignment (see edit) "test" made the determination that i'm pretty much in the center when it comes to conflict response and mitigation. i don't remember the name of the test, but it seemed interesting, and i remember the result. the jist was that i don't really get worked up about needing to be right because i'm able to see all aspects and consider the points of the opposing argument. i feel like that's a pretty close assessment of that aspect of my personality.

edit: in looking for a photo, i realized i was duped into taking a d&d "alignment" quiz by my dork buddy Karl, who apparently is no slouch when it comes to throwing twenty-sided dice. i was never cool enough to be invited to any sorcerer's den, myself.  however, the point is made.

 my wife just says i'm contrary. i'm able to make a compelling argument to any point she makes. even when i agree with her. i get tickled, she gets pissed. it doesn't help that i find that hilarious.

in truth, i've begun to realize that whatever happens, happens. i/you/we/they can think what we want to think and do what we believe to be the "right" thing...but for every person who is sure that up is the way to go, there will be another convinced that down is better. the universe perpetually seeks equilibrium, which means to me that all "good" must be balanced by an equal measure of "evil."

so most of the time i've been simply taking the other position to see if i can defend it. i've mentioned challenging false belief systems, and i think this exercise is an important one - kind of like a life debate. it ultimately has served to guide me into an easier coexistence with the likes of fundamentalists and Republicans, because i'm willing to see if i can understand where they're coming from. 
"So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss.
If you only know yourself, but not your opponent, you may win or may lose.
If you know neither yourself nor your enemy, you will always endanger yourself." - Sun Tzu

more than a few of my so-called "enemies" have become friends.

i'm not invested in "winning" the argument most of the time. if presented with a well-reasoned response, am capable of adapting my views to account for new information. i think the most dangerous resource America possesses right now is an overwhelming surplus of misguided dogma. instead of building consensus and bettering ourselves and our nation for the common good, most of us are involved in taking one side or the other - often merely the side our friends or family has taken (even as a matter of tradition rather than reason) - the side we think we're supposed to take. common wisdom dictates that we should remain steadfast in our desire for things to go our way (the right way, btw), without much willingness to compromise. the current debacle with healthcare reform is proof positive of that. the net result is that nothing gets done, positive or negative, and the schism between the sides grows ever wider.

and that's actually OK with me. the status quo is what it is, more than anything else. it represents a part of that equilibrium. i need to mind my own business, pay my bills, teach my kid to open his mind. in withholding judgement, my own beliefs and actions have become less necessary to defend, because no matter what, there will always ultimately be a counteracting force.

my poor kid

i am a moody bitch. there - i admit it. most people who know me well already knew that, but i feel it's important to say it out loud, to be accountable. i know people who are generally upbeat, who always seem to be having a good day. this is what i aspire to. i also know people who are generally down on things - you know, "Debbie Downer" types who find it hard to see positive things happening in their lives. i just wish i could be so consistent.

i've started 2010 with a commitment to try and stay more grateful, more positive on a daily basis. a week in, it seems to be working out OK, but only OK. see? there i go. nothing has changed in my life significantly for the better or worse in the last week. in making this commitment to myself & voicing it out loud to people around me, i have subjected myself to some amount of internal pressure. i already tend to judge myself too harshly. unfortunately my reaction to not meeting my own standards is acting out in unjustified anger. also unfortunately, it is the people closest to me - my wife, son, and friends, who are going to see the brunt of my unreasonable outbursts.

Laura has been with me long enough that she reacts in one of a few ways, but consistently anyway. she'll generally just ignore my stupid ass until i cool down & apologize. alternatively, she'll snap back at me, asking me in various terms, "what the fuck is your problem?" as soon as i hear that, i know the answer. me - i'm the problem. i expect myself or the people around me to act in ways different than we actually do. i suffer from a lack of acceptance. always.

Lucas has been seeing a little bit of loud, scary daddy lately. he is about to turn five. he is a bundle of unhinged energy, and has been since before he came out of the womb. he is relentlessly happy, unless he is not. when i'd like him to be serious for a few moments, he giggles. when i'd like him to be still & quiet, he wiggles & chatters. when i'd like him to be happy with the things he's got, he whines about the things he wants. having just written that, i suppose it is all normal almost-five-year-old behavior. even if it isn't "normal," it is, in fact, his behavior. i, on the other hand, expect that he should act appropriately to the situation. you know - "like me."

my wife has been sick this week; horribly so - suffering both sinus & ear infections. she's in so much pain at times she just lies on the couch stifling sobs. and i am powerless to do anything about it. she has seen the doctor. she has medicine to take. i cannot take her pain away, and my powerlessness is what makes me angry most often. on top of this powerlessness, it means i have to be a loving partner & take care of all the things that need done around the house. i've had to start the day taking care of the animals, rekindling the fire in the woodstove, getting Lucas ready for school, making him breakfast, while getting myself ready to leave the house with my head attached. i have to take him to school, which generally causes me to miss my (self-imposed) clock-in time at work. i have to leave work before my (again, self-imposed) quitting time to pick Lucas up from school, go to the store, make dinner, help the boy with homework, and clean up after dinner.

it's really not that much work, and it all comes together pretty easily. but since i am lazy and selfish, i have internally made it out to be a Herculean task, and eternal. i cannot do what i want to do at this moment, and at some level i have begun to believe that it has always been, and will always be this way - even though it has only been 36 hours or so. since my (unspoken) expectations aren't being met, i have this anger building inside with nowhere to point it. i can't really vent on my wife - she didn't choose to be this sick. for God's sake, she's crying already. the dogs are also blameless - we chose to take on the care of these animals, and they reciprocate with unconditional love. Lucas is unfortunately the most convenient scapegoat for my unreasonable discomfort - the most acute cause. so i am short with him. i give him less leeway to be a child. i give him less chances to "behave" before i begin to raise my voice, begin to show exasperation. finally i snap over something trivial - the reason i have been looking for. he has drawn a little stick-man on some other (ultimately replaceable) thing - he's very artistic. but it's not paper, and he's been told to only draw on paper.

his expression brings me back to where i need to be. he can't self-censor. he doesn't yet know how to hide his hurt. his little face just starts to crumble, tears at the corners of his eyes. confusion, mostly - i can see the questions form behind his little ice-blue eyes, "what just happened? what did i do? why is daddy so mad?"

and so i apologize. i get down to his level & embrace him. i tell him i was wrong, that i'm not acting appropriately. i tell him that i'm only mad because i want mommy to feel better but i can't do that, that i'm not magic & i can't make everybody happy.

you know what he says?
"it's OK daddy. i forgive you." great - now i'm crying, too.

i hate stuff that doesn't work

what's the point of a machine, anyway, if not to automate some process to make our lives easier? if it takes just as much effort to get the damn machine to work properly as it does to do the job manually, then i think the machine should be relegated to the scrap heap.

we have a very large, aging bag machine at work, which i like to call "the 42-inch machine of hate." this particular machine has a legacy. it has been installed in at least three locations other than where it currently sits, it has been modified to perform several very different variations on a theme, and it has been programmed (at) by at least three GML code-writers; none of whom, apparently, had any contact with the others.

this machine will sit idle for weeks at a time, until my boss decides we need to accomplish some pressing run of samples which he's forgotten about and needs to be done immediately. machines hate sitting idle. things that need to slide get sticky, bearings that needs to spin freely get notchy, things that need to be smooth and shiny develop a coat of oxidation. we often forget that we needed to fix that one thing after the last time we ran this godforsaken hunk of scrap.

every time - seriously, every time, i flip the switch on the 480 volt transformer, crank up the big air compressor and dryer, and fire off the chiller unit to run this hateful beast, it develops another "new" problem. today the slitter stopped working properly. last time, the #3 servo control had randomly dumped its program. the time before that, the seal head had rotated 5 degrees & had to be completely realigned. previous to that, the cutoff knife had stopped cycling consistently. it had gotten to the point where i would come near having an anxiety attack at the mere thought of turning it on. i've gotten beyond that now. i've just accepted that nothing is going to happen good on the first attempt. and that pisses me off.

it's the ultimate powerlessness when something that has operated correctly many times in a row suddenly refuses to do so. it is humbling, and as a good addict, i do not enjoy having my ego deflated - especially by an inanimate object. luckily, i am a fixer. troubleshooting is a game i enjoy playing. if i spend a little time observing the faulty process, i can usually determine the miscue and repair it. cars are easy - air, fuel, spark. complicated 50'-long bag machines precisely sealing four layers of medical-grade plastic film together, not so much.

the thing about fixing machines in general is that every process can be broken down into smaller sub-processes and sub-routines in smaller and smaller divisions of time until each minuscule section of the process has been isolated to one motion in one direction in one unit of time - the mechanical equivalent of the atom. this is the key to troubleshoooting. find the motion that doesn't happen when it should, or that happens when it shouldn't, and you've found the problem, and you have an idea how to rectify it.

it would be so much more of an awesome contemplation if we weren't running late, having skipped breakfast, on the coldest morning of the year, when the starter goes, "click-k-k..."

but, dammit, i will fix it. because i will not have my ass kicked by an inanimate object!