unapologetic

from some of my previous entries, it may appear to the casual observer that i'm somehow down on myself - that perhaps i'm not happy with who i am, hence all this talk about change, recovery, amends and the like. one of my friends commented after a recent post something to the effect of, "...except i'm too ashamed to publicly admit my mistakes." i'm not so much ashamed to admit my mistakes as i am to keep making the same ones over & over.

my wife Laura has been reading these entries as well, and she commented that she thought i was being too hard on myself about my tendency to collect & horde "stuff." this is why i love her so much - she always lets me off the hook. i don't view it as being hard on myself, just an honest assessment - hopefully without emotion or justification.

this blog has been cathartic for me, and i treat it as a journal. i'm not so arrogant (i hope) that i believe it's going to gain a following outside my immediate community of friends and family. when i started it, i perhaps had the spark of a hope that my light would somehow shine just a bit brighter, but then i started clicking on the "next blog" link at the top of the page (see it? yeah - right up there top center). i also had to try three times to get a name that wasn't in use. i had a moment of clarity that the so-called "blogosphere" is immense, and my feeble attempt is not only really late to the party, but also merely average in its presentation and scope. i am an averagely-bright star in an incredibly expansive night sky. i'm ok with that.

i had a pretty intense spiritual moment last night after getting off the phone with a good friend. she and i don't talk so much, but we have a colorful history. our deep connection goes back to those hazy, hormonal teenage years of angst and painful growth. i was struck with this feeling of connectedness and comfortable belonging. moments like this are precious to me - when my being fills with gratitude for the person i've become, for the friends in my life, and for people who love me as much as i love them. maybe more.

this moment had been building, because i've been spending some time here, digging. picking at the scab. call it a biopsy of my neuroses. i'm ok with the fact that i have neuroses. mine're better than most, says i. i'm happy to be aware of most of them - the alternative is to be stuck in denial and blindness.

i am unapologetic today. i will stand in front of anybody and tell them honestly what i'm thinking, what i'm doing - what i'm afraid of. i can have a serious conversation with them, or i can act like a goofball. i am incredibly capable of doing many different things, but i am not afraid to ask for or accept help with the things i can't. i don't suffer very much shame or remorse for things i've done, real or imagined. if i make a mistake, i'm not afraid to apologize. if the mistake is not mine, i try my best to forgive and let it go - harboring no resentment. this does not mean that i couldn't stand a little improvement. my favorite definition of humility comes from some A.A. literature - "a clear recognition of who and what we are, followed by a sincere desire to become what we could be." i have begun to experience that desire, have made some progress in that direction.

 i am unashamed to believe in my God, and to talk about my faith. but i am careful to make sure the forum is appropriate. my faith is mine, and i neither expect nor desire anybody else to adopt that particular doctrine. as far as i'm concerned, you are all a part of my God whether you know it, or believe it, or not. so welcome aboard!

so as i lay in bed last night, realizing one of those moments of intense connectedness and gratitude, i knew that i needed to share it - that i wanted anybody who is taking the time to read my ramblings to know that i am grateful. and unapologetic.

snowboarding!

man, i got to get out on the "shredsled" (i just heard that term - now i'm all hip!) for the first time in a couple years yesterday! it was an awesome time, to be sure, and one of those things i sometimes deny myself out of sheer laziness. i'll convince myself that it won't be that good, or that i can't afford it, or that i don't have time.
the surest way for me to be bored & restless is to keep myself disconnected from physical activity.

so David called me up on Friday & said they were thinking about going up this weekend. immediately i started making excuses; Laura's sick - who's going to watch Lucas - we're a little strapped - it won't be as good as that week i spent out West...then i remembered the $50 left over from Christmas i'd been saving to take Laura & Lucas to see Avatar again...she's not going to want to see a movie for several more weeks, and Lucas has already seen it.

wonder what kind of shape the board is in? it hasn't seen daylight in two years, at least. i bet the edges are rusty...nope! look at that - sharp & shiny, and the wax coat is still in good shape. i guess it oughta be - it didn't touch snow last season, and before that it spent a week in powder. OK, dammit - i'm in! so i call Dave back & let him know that i want to do this thing.

a couple false starts later, we headed up to Wolf on Sunday morning. it's cold, but not as cold as Sun Peaks, BC in 2008. i'm hoping to get some good runs in before the church folk crowd the slopes in the afternoon. $52 for a lift ticket, and we're at the top of the hill pretty soon after scoring a "locals" parking spot. not ever one to ease into something, i strap in & toss myself down the hill. it only took me about three turns to remember how to do it, and the ease with which it all came back made me feel real good about the day ahead. we spent pretty much the entire day going up, shredding down. we took three maybe ten-minute breaks, hit every sanctioned trail & a couple that weren't, even found some untracked snow to slide thru! not a bad day for the East Coast.

the snowboard is one of those activities that's rewarded by a relaxed stance, by looking way ahead, and by committing to the turns, just like riding a motorcycle or bicycle. also, most  rider inputs have to come from the hips, again like motorcycling or mountain biking. when i started, like most beginners, i spent alot of time hitting the ground, because i would tense up when it came time to change direction, and i couldn't bring myself to commit to the other edge. the board just doesn't work right when its inputs are tentative.

in order to really enjoy snowboarding, i found i need a decent core fitness, and then i've gotta relax & enjoy the controlled fall down the mountain. i had forgotten how imprecisely the thing "steers," so it took me a few edges to remember to look ahead, plan ahead. i also forgot how much i love the steeps! we dropped into "the bowl," which i don't think has been open in several years, and the adrenaline rush of looking straight down a 60 degree slope with feet firmly attached to a 5'-long slab of metal-edged laminate that has to be ridden down, is worth the price of admission. to ride terrain that steep, the level of commitment required goes up exponentially - rate of acceleration due to gravity is a constant, and is unchecked during the turns. for a brief moment, the board and rider are in essentially freefall, as you pop off the riding edge, flip the board back the other way, and dig in again. the steeper the terrain, the faster the freefall, and the higher the stakes for getting it right. when done successfully, with a measure of accuracy & control, few things are as satisfying.

i've progressed, which i think is a worthwhile goal - always progress. when i started boarding, i couldn't make it off the lift without falling down, occasionally taking some unfortunate stranger with me. with practice, i got to the point i could count on making it down an intermediate run most of the time without jacking myself up. with a thirst for progression, i became willing to hit some black diamond runs & maybe try to catch a little air here & there. yesterday, i was able to strap the board on after a two-year hiatus, and be confident enough to drop in on some icy, steep East Coast double-black runs.

i still took a pretty hard fall, straight on my ass, while standing in the lift line. i nearly took out the hapless thirteen-year-old girl in front of me as well. no matter how good i get at something, there will always be somebody better. and there will always be room for some humility.